Hello again anxiety
This is not a post I planned on writing and I’m not sure how I feel about sharing this as it’s how I’m feeling at this present time. However, having being so honest and open about my anxiety in the past and hearing how it has inspired people encouraged me to write this today.
In all honesty, writing down how I feel is kinda therapeutic, it helps me analyse my situation in a way. If you haven’t tried this I’d give it a go, you don’t have to share it with anyone, treat it like a diary I guess.
Stopping my medication
The anxiety came back once I got home from Bali. I mean, you always have the anxiety there but it came back with a vengeance. While in Bali, I was so happy and on my last strip of medication and thought ‘it’s time’. I had been planning on stopping for a while as when I go travelling I won’t have access to medication easily. The thought of stopping at first made my stomach turn because I felt ‘normal’ when on it and wasn’t sure I’d feel ‘normal’ without it. But, after all the over thinking I decided to take the next step and stop taking it.
NOTE- Always discuss with your doctor if you want to come off medication. This is what I did and gradually lowered my dosage.
Coming home from holidays sucks, we all know that feeling. But, for me coming home from Bali sent me into a depression for days. I felt like I had escaped from my troubles and coming home was a big reality check. It was awful, going back to work surprisingly helped. Keeping busy is the best thing to help when you feel low. I should probably mention that before I headed to Bali I went through a difficult time, I lost my beautiful Frenchie Louis which broke my heart and I also had some personal struggles. It was a tough few weeks but going through a traumatic experience like I did in my teens helps me to put things into perspective. These experiences teach you to be strong and it also reminds you that it’s not as bad as you think.
Trying to get on with it
Going back to work helped for a while. Then I’d have my days off and I I know I deserve this time to rest, like everyone but I’d feel guilty. I’d be sat in my pjs, having a chill day, as you do and I’d get overwhelming anxiety. Sat on the settee with a knot in my stomach and a horrid feeling of dread. Worrying about going to work the next day, when will I write my next blog post, the freelance work coming up… Just general things I need to do makes me worry.
I feel like shit
To put it bluntly, but yes I feel like absolute shit! Having anxiety usually comes with a lovely bout of self doubt and insecurities. But lately, I only feel comfortable with a full face of make-up on even if popping out I feel like I need to put something on my face and I’ve never really felt that way. I just feel like I need to make this extra effort to feel like I look nice and deep down I feel pretty awful. Then there’s social gatherings. I’ve never been super confident when going out even with friends, but the past few months have been a struggle. I’ve been with my closest friends/family and I feel my stomach turning, my heart beat quickening and I sometimes feel like I want to be sick. I won’t stop doing these things but it takes quite a bit of confidence for me to do.
How do I move forward?
To some people this is everyday life and they manage. Now I know how good I can feel makes me more determined to get back to that good feeling. I feel like I’ve given so much advice in the past to help others with anxiety and right now I can’t even take my own advice. I’m just stuck in a rut and it sucks. One thing I’m grateful for is learning to control my anxiety attacks. Meditation is probably the best thing that has helped me control them. But, what can I do to just feel better day to day?
Where do I go from here? I don’t actually know. I guess it’s my turn to seek some advice… Is there anything you can recommend that’ll help me feel better without going back on medication?
I hope that some of you can read this and maybe understand a bit more of how people can feel. Despite how they may portray themselves. I also hope that this post will encourage someone to share how their feeling, it will help.
Sorry this isn’t my bali blog. Right now, I just can’t finish it. There’s no rush, I know but I’m putting pressure on myself to finish it and I can’t. I want to be able to read it back in future and feel happy. Writing about feeling happy when I’m not feels wrong. I want it to be genuine and I want you to read it and have those feelings too. Yes, that’s the perfectionist in me. It will hopefully be up soon, I’m literally on the last paragraph but can’t figure out how to end it…